At one point or another, we have all had times we let our emotions loose and get the better of us...Personally,i have dealt with and still dealing with anger issues...So after reading this article from www.succeeedsocially.com,I considered it wise to share it here on the blog to help people like me out there...I hope you take your time although it's lenghty(apologies pleasee) and read 'cos you are gonna learn a thing or two from it.
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If you have an anger problem it can have a negative impact on all your social relationships. Your partner, friends, kids, co-workers, and bosses may all come to think you're a temperamental jerk. Your outbursts may lead you into trouble with your loved ones, your social circle, your job, or even the law.
Anger management issues are common. Along with sadness and anxiety, anger is one of the core human emotions that can lead to problems if it gets out of hand. Fortunately, over the years mental health professionals have developed a variety of strategies for dealing with it. If you're naturally hot headed you may never become extremely laid back, but you can get to a point where you can keep the worst of your anger from damaging your life. This article will summarize many of the approaches that can help you do that.
Origins of anger issues
By the time someone's an adult their anger has usually become a habit. They know it doesn't always work, but it's their effortless, go-to response. But where does it start? The following have been shown to be linked to anger:
- Inborn temperament - Just like some people are wired to be more anxious and cautious, others are intrinsically more quick-tempered and irritable, and have a lower tolerance for frustration.
- Having angry parents - Many people with a bad temper say one or both of their parents got angry easily, and they couldn't help but pick up their style.
- Family environment - Growing up in a chaotic, stressful family situation, where the members don't know how to resolve conflict very well, can predispose some individuals to developing a temper.
- Culture - Some cultures have a reputation for being 'passionate'. Masculine culture often teaches that anger is the only acceptable emotion for a man to feel when he is upset. Certain work environments also encourage a macho, confrontational approach to dealing with disputes.
- Finding that it works - Although it's usually harmful in the long run, anger has its short-term benefits. Someone may have learned from experience that having an angry style helps them get that they want.
- Circumstances where you can get away with being temperamental - This one isn't so much about where anger comes from, but how it can survive to the present day. Some people show signs of anger problems earlier in their life, but their environment doesn't tolerate it and nips the issue in the bud. For example, a child may be sent to an anger management group, or a teenager may be forced to start seeing a counselor after she gets into too many fights. Other people go through life never having to address their temper. They may have friends and family who put up with it, or their outbursts aren't frequent or severe enough that they're forced to do something about them.
Immediate strategies for calming yourself once you're already angry
The advice on how to deal with anger falls into two main categories: Ways you can calm yourself if you've already become mad, and a variety of longer-term approaches where you can try to prevent yourself from getting as angry in the first place. This section will quickly deal with the first category. If you're already riled up, here are some ways to try to contain the damage:
If possible, leave the situation
Go somewhere else where you can begin to calm down. Just being away from the source of your frustration may be enough to help you cool off. It also gives you space to apply some other techniques to calm yourself.
Unfortunately you won't always be able to escape. If you're fighting with your partner they may block the door or follow you. You may be stuck in traffic. You may be at work. Sometimes there are ways out of even these situations. Maybe you could tell your partner that you need a few minutes alone to collect yourself. At work you could pretend you need to use the washroom. In traffic you could pull into a parking lot, or switch to another route.
Count to ten
If you're still in the anger-inducing situation this well-known trick can buy you some time, so you don't succumb to your first impulse to lash out. Those ten seconds can allow the worst of your anger to dissipate. The act of counting also slightly distracts you.
Use calming breathing techniques
Taking slow, deep breaths physically calms your body and mind. When you inhale, breathe using your abdomen. Your belly should expand, rather than your chest and shoulders. Take in a good deal of air, hold it for a few seconds, then slowly exhale. The timing doesn't matter down to the exact second, but one way to ensure you're breathing deeply is to use the 4-7-8 exercise. Inhale for four seconds, hold for seven, then exhale over the last eight. Repeat a few times until you start to feel more in control.
Repeat calming phrases to yourself
This idea works in the same way as counting to ten. If you use this approach you'll eventually hit on a phrase that works best for you. Some examples are, "Take it easy", "Chill out", "Be calm", "It's not a big deal", or "Will I really care about this tomorrow?"
Picture calming images
For example you could imagine yourself sitting on a tropical island beach as waves gently lap the shore, or lying in a field on a warm summer day as the grass and wildflowers sway in the breeze.
Put a humorous spin on the situation
It's hard to feel angry at the same time that you're amused at something. If someone's annoyed you, try picturing them in a funny or absurd way. For example, if your boss has been sending you nitpicky emails all day, imagine them as a giant squawking parrot sitting behind a computer.
Do something physical to burn off your angry energy
This is another option you may not always have access to, but if you can it may help to run around the block, or bang out a bunch of push ups in your room. Be careful about more aggressive actions like punching a pillow. Studies have shown that rather than venting your anger, they can rile you up even more.
Longer-term strategies to prevent flare ups before they happen
If you've already gotten really angry it's often too late. The best way to control your temper is to employ a mix of approaches to prevent as many blow ups as possible in the first place. I'll cover a lot of ideas below, and this section will make up the bulk of this article.
Take responsibility for your anger and for dealing with it
Many angry people know they have a short fuse, and accept that most of the blames falls on them when they lose their cool. After all, not everyone gets so wound up by the things that set them off. It's that saying, "Nothing forces you to be angry. On some level you're allowing yourself to feel that way." Some angry people don't take full responsibility for their outbursts though, and place the blame in a variety of other places. These factors may contribute to a person's anger, but they don't fully let them off the hook. Do you use any of these phrases to excuse your outbursts?
- Temperament - "I've always been a hothead. I can't help it. People should know that by now."
- Culture - "I'm Portuguese/Italian/Irish/etc. We're a fiery people."
- Childhood - "It's not my fault I'm like this. My family situation was nuts growing up."
- Expecting people to tiptoe around them - "He should have known I'm grumpy after work. He should have brought it up with me later if he didn't want me to get mad."
- Other people's actions - "He shouldn't have cut me off", "If the new guy wasn't such an idiot I wouldn't lose my cool at work all the time", "She wouldn't stop trying to pick a fight, even after I told her I'd talk about it later."
- Outside circumstances - "I get cranky when I haven't eaten", "Things are tough at work. I'm stressed out. It's not my fault. "
Understand how your anger ticks on a practical level
To get a handle on your anger you first need to know what it looks like for you.
Learn the signs that you're getting angry
Angry people often aren't tuned in to how irritated they feel a lot of the time. They sometimes catch themselves off guard by losing their temper 'out of nowhere', because they weren't focused on how their annoyance had been building up inside them. Figure out the personal signs that you're starting to become angry. Some common ones are:
- Thinking annoyed thoughts, like about how incompetent your boss is, or how dismissive your boyfriend can act. Sometimes you'll be in one annoying situation, and your warning sign will be that you'll start thinking about something else that irritates you , e.g., you'll start fuming about your landlord as your manager starts getting on your case at work
- General feelings of grumpiness
- Tense or clenched muscles, like in your face, jaw, shoulders, and hands
- Increased heart rate
- A change in breathing, for example, taking slower, deeper breaths, and tensely exhaling through your nose
- A rush of adrenaline
- Feeling your face go red
- Not wanting to talk to anyone, wanting to be left alone
- Getting frustrated more easily (e.g., you start getting peeved that your cell phone reception is spotty, when that normally wouldn't bug you)
- Starting to feel more demanding, perfectionistic, and impatient towards people
- Feeling sarcastic and defiant, e.g., getting an urge to roll your eyes at your boss or make a smart ass comment about their directions
In addition to that, map out what your anger looks like at different intensity levels.
- What are the signs that you're minorly irritated?
- What's the collection of symptoms that lets you know you're becoming moderately annoyed?
- What are the indicators that an outburst is seconds away, and you need do something about it as soon as possible?
Get an idea of the situations that tend to trigger your anger
Most anger-prone people have a few key scenarios that set them off. Some general ones are:
- Being at work
- Being around your kids
- Being around your partner
- Being around your parents
- Driving
- Being in a hurry
- Shopping
- Being in a crowded bar
- Taking part in a hobby that frustrates you, e.g., learning to ski
Aside from general situations, like being on the job, where any number of things may annoy you, you may find there are more specific circumstances that get you going:
- Being nagged by your partner
- When you want to talk about something important with your partner and they blow you off
- When your partner persists in trying to discuss an issue with you, even though you've repeatedly told them now isn't a good time
- When your kids aren't listening
- Having a certain co-worker criticize you
- Having to wait for help at a busy, understaffed store
- Waiting in line
- Being stuck behind a slow-moving car while driving
Be aware of the dangerous situations that can cause your anger to sneakily build up to critical mass
As I mentioned a little earlier, angry people are sometimes caught off guard by their own tempers. A statement you'll often hear along those lines is, "I don't know what happened. I just got so mad all of the sudden and before I knew it I had put my hand through the wall and scared my girlfriend half to death" If you've been through this what likely happened is that you were in a tense situation where your anger was building, but you were too caught up in the conflict at hand, and didn't notice what was happening with your mood until you were enraged and past the point of no return.
Some examples of these tense, risky situations are:
- A drawn-out argument with a partner
- A long, stressful day at work
- An outing with friends where there's a lot of simmering, unresolved drama
- An awkward evening with the family, where everyone's on edge and picking at each other
When a person explodes under these circumstances their anger may have started ramping up before they were even in the situation, and they were anticipating how poorly it could go. They may have worked themselves up on the drive to their job, or before meeting their buddies, or while they waited for their partner to get home before they confronted them. Once the actual situation started, little things began to happen that caused their frustration to build (e.g., their partner disagreed with them and started making personal attacks, or their manager called them out for a mistake they had nothing to do with). After twenty minutes of petty bickering, or half a shift of getting picked on, it's then that they snapped 'out of nowhere'.
Get in the habit of frequently checking in on your anger levels
Monitoring your anger helps you get out of trouble situations before it's too late (when no amount of calming breathing or relaxing imagery will help you). Checking in on yourself is something you can do throughout the day. It's especially important to start checking in on your mood when you're in a triggering situation, or you've already noticed yourself starting to get annoyed. Whatever your level of anger, take steps to reduce it.
Ways to curtail minor irritation
- Employ one of the calming techniques mentioned above. They're actually more effective when your anger levels are lower and they have less 'work' to do.
- If possible, go somewhere else, at least for a while. Take an early lunch break and get away from your demanding clients. Tell your partner you can feel yourself getting a bit annoyed, and that you'd like five minutes to collect your thoughts. Go home early if you're hanging out with your friends and they're all squabbling.
- Try to change the dynamics of the situation. For example, you may notice you're arguing with your partner in a petty, counterproductive way, and decide to 'fight fair' instead. If your boss is giving you a hard time, rather than silently absorbing her attacks, you could start a discussion with her about whether there's a more efficient way you could be working, or if it would be better if you switched to another task that day.
- Develop a habit of asking yourself, "Is this that big a deal? Do I really want to go with my first reaction of getting riled up?" Taking those few seconds to stop and think can take most of the momentum away from your anger.
- Question the assumptions and logic behind your angry thoughts. You may find you're starting to get yourself into a tizzy over nothing. More on that in a second.
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